These Phrases shared by My Parent That Helped Us during my time as a New Father

"I believe I was just in survival mode for twelve months."

Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of fatherhood.

Yet the actual experience soon proved to be "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her main carer while also caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every change… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The simple statement "You are not in a healthy space. You require assistance. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and find a way back.

His experience is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While society is now better used to discussing the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his challenges are symptomatic of a broader reluctance to open up among men, who often internalise harmful perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It is not a show of failure to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a break - going on a short trip abroad, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he required a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings in addition to the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "poor choices" when he was younger to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as an escape from the pain.

"You find your way to behaviours that don't help," he explains. "They can briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your partner or a therapist about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - nutritious food, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all are important in how your emotional health is doing.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that asking for help is not failure - looking after you is the best way you can support your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead offer the security and emotional support he lacked.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I expressed, on occasion I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you on life, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."